The Truth About the Monday Qualifier in Arizona

This one has been hard to talk about.

I didn’t make a video about the Monday qualifier here in Arizona because, honestly, I was upset. More upset than I wanted to admit. I wanted this one more than you know. I wanted the chance to play in that tournament again… the same tournament that gave me an opportunity last year. I wanted to show everyone, and maybe even remind myself, that I’ve grown. That I’ve improved. That I didn’t get knocked down last year and just give up.

I wanted to prove that I came back stronger.

And when it didn’t happen, I just didn’t have it in me to jump on camera and act like everything was fine. I didn’t want to force a highlight reel out of something that hurt. Sometimes being in this game means living through moments that don’t make for easy content. Sometimes the truth is heavier than that.

So this is me telling the truth.

The truth is… this game is hard. Chasing this dream is hard. And lately, it feels like the story just keeps getting more complicated.

I’m giving this everything I have. I’m working my tail off trying to find sponsors. I’m trying to build my social media into something that can help support this career. I’m showing up, putting in the work, stretching every dollar, chasing every opportunity, and still there are days where it feels like it’s just not enough.

Not good enough.

Not enough.

That’s the part people don’t always see.

It’s hard enough wanting to compete at the highest level. It’s even harder when you’re trying to do it while being broke. And to be completely honest… today I am at $0. That has happened twice already this year, and I’m doing everything I can to stay afloat.

That’s a hard thing to say out loud.

But it’s real.

This dream has tested me in ways I never expected. There have been moments this year where I’ve had no clue how I was going to make it work. And somehow, people have stepped in and helped carry me through. I’ve had people let me stay places for free. I’ve had people help with entry fees. I’ve had someone literally save me from overdrafting because of the cost of a rental car and hotel.

When I sit back and think about that, it’s honestly crazy.

This dream has dragged me through the dirt a little bit… and yet I’m still here.

Still believing.

Still fighting.

Still trying to make something out of all of this.

I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt. It does. There are moments where I question everything. Moments where I wonder why it feels like I can be so close and yet still struggle so much. Moments where I wonder how much more a person can give before something finally gives back.

But I also know this…

I’m not done.

I’m not done fighting for this dream. I’m not done believing there is something on the other side of all of this pain, pressure, disappointment, and uncertainty. I may not fully understand what this season is trying to teach me yet, but I know it is shaping me. I know this suffering is not for nothing.

The other day, I heard something that hit me hard.

You either choose to be the hero or the villain in your story.

You either use pain to make sure it doesn’t hurt anyone else… or you let pain turn you into someone who hurts everyone else. Heroes use pain. Villains are used by it.

That stuck with me.

Because I know what kind of person I want to be.

I want to be the one who takes every hard moment, every setback, every empty bank account, every tear, every disappointment, and uses it to build something stronger. I want to be the one who keeps showing up with heart. The one who keeps going. The one who refuses to let this dream turn bitter just because the road has been brutal.

So no… this Monday qualifier didn’t go the way I wanted.

And no… I’m not in some perfect place mentally where I can tie it all up with a pretty bow and pretend I have all the answers.

But I do know this:

I am going to rewrite this story.

I am going to overcome this.

One step at a time.

And for everyone who has supported me, encouraged me, believed in me, helped me, prayed for me, checked in on me, or simply followed along… thank you.

You may not always realize it, but your support goes a long way. More than you know.

This dream is testing me. But I’m still here.

And I’m still fighting.